Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership that lasted four years, but I never felt completely content, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I start seeing any man, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to have sex with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in open relationships, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I want another man to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. What you need in your current state may well change in the future; eventually you might become more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your energy. Try to be in the moment with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
